Time flies

This time 8 years ago I was starting Rhodes University in South Africa! It was the most exciting and nerve wracking time! I remember standing on a roof of a Bed and Breakfast there where family friends were staying for the night after dropping me off and looking at Grahamstown and trying to imagine this place as being familiar and 'home' for the next four years! It all really began when I got dropped off at my residence, Canterbury house! I made my first friend of my group of 6 fabulous girls, who are still a close friends to this day and we explored the campus! The parties began and the traditions of serenading boys at 6am in PJ's, registering for subjects, parties, societies evenings, drinking, drinking and more drinking and meeting so many people. The bunch of first years in my res were all so cool (initially, some became a little strange after a few months haha). We were a team, we looked out for each other and we partied like no tomorrow! This year (2004) was possibly the best in my whole life and I can't believe it has been 8 years! Now I am back to studying and it is all about the studies...what happened haha???? I learned about who I am that year and throughout my time at Rhodes and I owe so much to that fabulous University! RHODES FOR LIFE!

Who turned the water off??

Well I thought I would write a blog in eager anticipation for the water to be turned back on! Hair up, new razor blade inserted to my razer, rearing to go and get clean and bam....no bloody water comes out! We have no clue why and I am now feeling really thirsty thinking about the prospect of no water in the taps!

It got me thinking about how much we can take things for granted! How some people don't have this luxury of running water, electricity and sanitation. It breaks my heart really, especially when they put those adverts on tv about the children who walk 8 hours for water everyday and have to pray they don't get attacked by wild animals etc. I have been known to shed a tear. Here I am, really peeved about my lack of shower!

I haven't written for a while I know. Things have been very up and down for me and I feel bad blogging when I can't keep up with emails and other things! I have been quite busy too, with what, who knows. Life has a funny way of moving on and you get thrust into it all, esp at Christmas time (I love this time of year). I am trying to put together stockings for the family, the big Christmas menu which I am in charge of by choice, got to send off Christmas cards, buy gifts and I have just been to one of my arts and crafts groups and made a love wreath! I have also baked excessive amounts of cookies with my new Christmas cookie cutters:) Not because I am a glutten but because it is really fun and a great activity to do with kids (I babysit a 4 year old and occasionally look after my partners niece). That said, I am a kid at heart and absolutely love baking and getting stuck into cookie dough:)

I think this time of year is bitter sweet for me and it has been tough this year. I always think of my loved ones passed away and get a bit emotional putting up the tree. It is a ritual that I have always loved and keeps me grounded but will never be the same. It is not as if it was a big deal when my mum was alive either, I usually did it on my own while she was at work (she felt it would give me something to do in the holidays) and I was always proud to show her when she got home. I think it is tough because it was always up to me, the decorations were all ours and mostly stuff I had made growing up and it was very sentimental. I am a sentimental person to say the least and I guess it is always a bit touch and go seeing other people's special things go up on trees and not having that for myself. This year I am turning over a new leaf and starting new traditions. My partner and I will be spending our third Christmas together and that is becoming a tradition in itself:) I will be doing all the food, have surprises up my sleeve and plan to drink lots of wine!

Seasons greetings everyone, I hope you feel the love and cheer wherever you are and whomever you are with. The Christmas spirit starts within I reckon! Now, let me go and see if the water is back on grrrrr....

A walk to the park

I have really become a fan of taking my puppy Toby down to the park near my place! It is a lovely walk albeit the traffic etc but it's long enough to work you out a bit but short enough to keep you motivated. I take some bread a long to feed the ducks at the lake there and have discovered how much Toby loves swimming:)

I think it is so therapeutic. It reminds me of some mindfulness exercises like yoga or meditation where you clear your mind. That is what is so powerful for me. I don't think. I just watch Toby, look at all the beautiful flowers that are blooming this time of year and I just go! Toby is not the most well behaved creature mind you, despite puppy kinder! I have to constantly make sure he is not wandering into yards, barking at cars and running too far ahead on his new retractable leash (best invention ever, gives him more freedom but you still have control). Bless him, he loves every minute and that is half the fun for me:)

I think with every thing that has been going on with me, I have really taken to this time and space and fresh air. I feel numb a lot of the time because I don't really want to think about things! That said, I cant stop thinking about things so it is a Catch 22. These moments, where I get out into the air, feed the ducks and whatever other duck like creatures come for the bread and watch my beautiful dog having fun, are like gold to me:) Life is a funny thing, I have learn't more than anything that it is about simplicity not wealth, materialism and status. You can find beauty all around you if you take the time to look. To be mindful. To learn to love the pleasure of giving pleasure:) Even if it is to your pet:) I highly recommend this if you are battling with a problem, an emotion or if you just feel a bit stressed or overwhelmed. Wind down and just be. Food for the soul:)

XX

SAFFA Girl Down Under: Anger - helpful or hindering?

SAFFA Girl Down Under: Anger - helpful or hindering?: Such a powerful emotion don't you think? Anger! In certain emotion focussed theories it is often seen as a secondary emotion to primary emot...

Anger - helpful or hindering?

Such a powerful emotion don't you think? Anger! In certain emotion focussed theories it is often seen as a secondary emotion to primary emotions of hurt, sadness, loneliness etc. The question is, when is anger helpful? I know in my grief it can be a very powerful tool, good and bad. It takes the focus away from pain and you can function to a degree with anger. It is like a fuel, poisonous though it can be, it doesn't cripple you with tears and weakness. It gives you strength, it allows you to project blame and pin point something to focus on. The down side, it often comes out at the smallest things and towards people you are closest to. Not so great.

I think grief is like a swing with emotions. You go through the motions and nothing seems to be censored or is fully pushed aside. You may think you are holding it together only to realise you have been death staring strangers, snapping at people and crying at puppies on adverts. This is because your emotions have to come out. They become fragile and easily set off. I suppose this is similar to some mental illness interestingly enough, where people experience fragile states emotionally and are unable to control them (Borderline Personality Disorder comes to mind here). We all have this to some degree or the other! You seem to regress a bit in grief and battle to control much. I get tearful at the slightest thing at the moment. I also get so irritated! My partners mum, in all her well meaning behaviour, creates a feeling of utter rage in me sometimes. Its not fair I know, but it is just the way it is. I get angry if someone mentions something that triggers pain or memories in me that are hard to bare and instead of feeling sad (which would be appropriate to the thought I had triggered), I feel an overwhelming sense of anger. Again, I wonder about the helpful or hindering qualities of all of this?

I guess you just have to go through the motions or should I say emotions and accept the process. It's not an easy one and perhaps anger is the tool that gets a person through another day! As long as it is a tool and doesn't become a permanent fixture I think it may just have its' place!

XX

A true hero

I lost my Mary last night. She has fought harder than anyone I have ever known and if anyone deserves peace and freedom from pain, it would be her. She was a second mother to me and her love has seen me through some of my darkest hours. I lost my own mum nearly 8 years ago and her family took me in and have treated me like another daughter.

Words cannot express what I am feeling right now. My head is spinning with an array of memories, thoughts and I have a sickness in my stomach that is like a great knot of nerves. Such a huge part of my pain is for her family. Her daughter is like a young version of her in so many ways and has one of the hugest hearts I have ever encountered. I hate that she is going through the loss of a mother, it's not fair! I wish I could wrap them all in a pain free blanket and protect them from the pain and hurt that this journey of grief entails. I know this is where we are all in shock. A stage of denial that helps you to survive and get through the hours. People are helpful, time is a daze and you don't fully comprehend the impact of your loss because you can't open your mind to it yet! The next stage is the hardest in a way. Where people get on with their lives, time has gone by and you are left with a world of loneliness, confusion and anger. This is where you need the most support. If anyone is reading this I want you to take this away with you for your memory bank...the initial phase is important, support is needed and if often given in abundance, but it's in the weeks, maybe months that follow which require the most support!

I am no stranger to grief, this is not the 'counsellor' in me talking, it's experience. I feel like I've been down this road far too often and I am tired. I am exhausted on so many levels and I am angry on so many others. Life is so fragile. One thing all this has taught me is to really learn about who I am. To appreciate the gifts that are your loved ones and to trust in my own strength to get through this. I am so grateful for the support I have been given a long the way and know that the people closest to me in my true hours of need are the people who saved me, who gave me back my life. Mary was one of those people and I will never ever forget what she did for me. She held my hand through the good, bad and ugly, she taught me so many lessons, shared her family with me and gave me a sense of belonging, she never gave up on me. If I could be half the person she was, my life will be one to be proud of.

The song I have chosen for Mary is 'Thank You' by Bon Jovi and the lyrics are perfect.
May you finally be at peace Mars, your beautiful soul lives on in all of us! XXX

My puppy Toby

This is my beautiful puppy!

He looks a bit scraggley here but he is the love of my life! He was in the coloured balls when he went to puppy kinder:)

Having a snuggle with my partner! My 2 favourite boys! XXXX