A walk to the park

I have really become a fan of taking my puppy Toby down to the park near my place! It is a lovely walk albeit the traffic etc but it's long enough to work you out a bit but short enough to keep you motivated. I take some bread a long to feed the ducks at the lake there and have discovered how much Toby loves swimming:)

I think it is so therapeutic. It reminds me of some mindfulness exercises like yoga or meditation where you clear your mind. That is what is so powerful for me. I don't think. I just watch Toby, look at all the beautiful flowers that are blooming this time of year and I just go! Toby is not the most well behaved creature mind you, despite puppy kinder! I have to constantly make sure he is not wandering into yards, barking at cars and running too far ahead on his new retractable leash (best invention ever, gives him more freedom but you still have control). Bless him, he loves every minute and that is half the fun for me:)

I think with every thing that has been going on with me, I have really taken to this time and space and fresh air. I feel numb a lot of the time because I don't really want to think about things! That said, I cant stop thinking about things so it is a Catch 22. These moments, where I get out into the air, feed the ducks and whatever other duck like creatures come for the bread and watch my beautiful dog having fun, are like gold to me:) Life is a funny thing, I have learn't more than anything that it is about simplicity not wealth, materialism and status. You can find beauty all around you if you take the time to look. To be mindful. To learn to love the pleasure of giving pleasure:) Even if it is to your pet:) I highly recommend this if you are battling with a problem, an emotion or if you just feel a bit stressed or overwhelmed. Wind down and just be. Food for the soul:)

XX

SAFFA Girl Down Under: Anger - helpful or hindering?

SAFFA Girl Down Under: Anger - helpful or hindering?: Such a powerful emotion don't you think? Anger! In certain emotion focussed theories it is often seen as a secondary emotion to primary emot...

Anger - helpful or hindering?

Such a powerful emotion don't you think? Anger! In certain emotion focussed theories it is often seen as a secondary emotion to primary emotions of hurt, sadness, loneliness etc. The question is, when is anger helpful? I know in my grief it can be a very powerful tool, good and bad. It takes the focus away from pain and you can function to a degree with anger. It is like a fuel, poisonous though it can be, it doesn't cripple you with tears and weakness. It gives you strength, it allows you to project blame and pin point something to focus on. The down side, it often comes out at the smallest things and towards people you are closest to. Not so great.

I think grief is like a swing with emotions. You go through the motions and nothing seems to be censored or is fully pushed aside. You may think you are holding it together only to realise you have been death staring strangers, snapping at people and crying at puppies on adverts. This is because your emotions have to come out. They become fragile and easily set off. I suppose this is similar to some mental illness interestingly enough, where people experience fragile states emotionally and are unable to control them (Borderline Personality Disorder comes to mind here). We all have this to some degree or the other! You seem to regress a bit in grief and battle to control much. I get tearful at the slightest thing at the moment. I also get so irritated! My partners mum, in all her well meaning behaviour, creates a feeling of utter rage in me sometimes. Its not fair I know, but it is just the way it is. I get angry if someone mentions something that triggers pain or memories in me that are hard to bare and instead of feeling sad (which would be appropriate to the thought I had triggered), I feel an overwhelming sense of anger. Again, I wonder about the helpful or hindering qualities of all of this?

I guess you just have to go through the motions or should I say emotions and accept the process. It's not an easy one and perhaps anger is the tool that gets a person through another day! As long as it is a tool and doesn't become a permanent fixture I think it may just have its' place!

XX

A true hero

I lost my Mary last night. She has fought harder than anyone I have ever known and if anyone deserves peace and freedom from pain, it would be her. She was a second mother to me and her love has seen me through some of my darkest hours. I lost my own mum nearly 8 years ago and her family took me in and have treated me like another daughter.

Words cannot express what I am feeling right now. My head is spinning with an array of memories, thoughts and I have a sickness in my stomach that is like a great knot of nerves. Such a huge part of my pain is for her family. Her daughter is like a young version of her in so many ways and has one of the hugest hearts I have ever encountered. I hate that she is going through the loss of a mother, it's not fair! I wish I could wrap them all in a pain free blanket and protect them from the pain and hurt that this journey of grief entails. I know this is where we are all in shock. A stage of denial that helps you to survive and get through the hours. People are helpful, time is a daze and you don't fully comprehend the impact of your loss because you can't open your mind to it yet! The next stage is the hardest in a way. Where people get on with their lives, time has gone by and you are left with a world of loneliness, confusion and anger. This is where you need the most support. If anyone is reading this I want you to take this away with you for your memory bank...the initial phase is important, support is needed and if often given in abundance, but it's in the weeks, maybe months that follow which require the most support!

I am no stranger to grief, this is not the 'counsellor' in me talking, it's experience. I feel like I've been down this road far too often and I am tired. I am exhausted on so many levels and I am angry on so many others. Life is so fragile. One thing all this has taught me is to really learn about who I am. To appreciate the gifts that are your loved ones and to trust in my own strength to get through this. I am so grateful for the support I have been given a long the way and know that the people closest to me in my true hours of need are the people who saved me, who gave me back my life. Mary was one of those people and I will never ever forget what she did for me. She held my hand through the good, bad and ugly, she taught me so many lessons, shared her family with me and gave me a sense of belonging, she never gave up on me. If I could be half the person she was, my life will be one to be proud of.

The song I have chosen for Mary is 'Thank You' by Bon Jovi and the lyrics are perfect.
May you finally be at peace Mars, your beautiful soul lives on in all of us! XXX

My puppy Toby

This is my beautiful puppy!

He looks a bit scraggley here but he is the love of my life! He was in the coloured balls when he went to puppy kinder:)

Having a snuggle with my partner! My 2 favourite boys! XXXX

I miss chocolate

Top of the mornin' to ya:)

Well I gave up on the Slimm shakes, good lord did I starve, not a good idea if you want to have energy to get on with your day, so the diet has been revamped!

It is all about healthy eating, less carbs (none at night) and smaller portions now! Its going well except I think my body is still in starvation mode so have not lost any weight yet, that and it's only been five days! I was concerned about the shakes for this reason though, as your body goes into survival mode it will just store whatever you put into it, not ideal! So after three days of shakes its healthy eating all the way! The one problem that will always rear it's ugly head is my sweet tooth! I love chocolate and cakes and naughty things and treats! This is where the challenge lies. But as they say on 'The Biggest Loser' willpower is like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets! So it is getting a workout I tell ya!

Also, why do they always put the damn chocolate ads on at around 9pm? I will tell you, because that's when suckers like myself would readily dive into the screen and bathe in the chocolate fountain! Clever tactics for them, painful for the likes of me! There is one particular ad here in Melbourne that truly tests me! It is advertising mini Flake bites (I love Flakes) and it is this little doll house and they roll out the choc in this cute little pasta making machine and pick it up with these tiny tweezers! Adorable, delicious and intriguing! What a nightmare!

So that's the story of my diet! Will keep you posted if I shed any of the winter bulge and if I stop salivating over stupid ads! Grrr....
XXXX

A three year tribute

Well today has not been an easy one let me tell you! It is three years since my beloved grandmother died and I still feel quite raw about it all to be honest. I think it is because I live with a lot of guilt and regret surrounding her last hours. I wish I had said things I didn't and wish I hadn't been so out of my depth and unsure how to handle things. I know rationally that I am human and I did the best I could in the frame of mind I was in but how I wish I could have a few last moments to say some things I would like to say now!

When my mum passed away my Gran became everything to me. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I am today and I don't think I can ever thank her enough. I appreciate all the small things more then ever now and I know it is cliché but this is a really important lesson. Life is too short. Moments that seem trivial have great influence and importance in hindsight and we never know which moments are the important ones until they have passed! I guess it's easy to beat yourself up about things when looking at it in a different frame of mind, after time, healing, distance and experience. That said, the feelings are still there and just as strong! There have been tears today and that is not a bad thing.

I think the thing with grief is that is never goes away, you just learn to live with it. I look at the 7 years without my mum and the 3 without Gran and wonder how the time flew like this, how I made it through when I never would have imagined I could and how much it can still hurt me at times! That's life eh! It goes on whether you are ready or not. I just feel grateful that I got to learn so much and am able to carry the love with me in every precious moment. I am grateful for my partner, friends and family for being the strength within my strength and I know that there are two very bright lights burning within me!

Thank you Granny, for your love, care, support, wisdom, honesty and just for sharing your life with me! R.I.P.