Well today has not been an easy one let me tell you! It is three years since my beloved grandmother died and I still feel quite raw about it all to be honest. I think it is because I live with a lot of guilt and regret surrounding her last hours. I wish I had said things I didn't and wish I hadn't been so out of my depth and unsure how to handle things. I know rationally that I am human and I did the best I could in the frame of mind I was in but how I wish I could have a few last moments to say some things I would like to say now!
When my mum passed away my Gran became everything to me. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I am today and I don't think I can ever thank her enough. I appreciate all the small things more then ever now and I know it is cliché but this is a really important lesson. Life is too short. Moments that seem trivial have great influence and importance in hindsight and we never know which moments are the important ones until they have passed! I guess it's easy to beat yourself up about things when looking at it in a different frame of mind, after time, healing, distance and experience. That said, the feelings are still there and just as strong! There have been tears today and that is not a bad thing.
I think the thing with grief is that is never goes away, you just learn to live with it. I look at the 7 years without my mum and the 3 without Gran and wonder how the time flew like this, how I made it through when I never would have imagined I could and how much it can still hurt me at times! That's life eh! It goes on whether you are ready or not. I just feel grateful that I got to learn so much and am able to carry the love with me in every precious moment. I am grateful for my partner, friends and family for being the strength within my strength and I know that there are two very bright lights burning within me!
Thank you Granny, for your love, care, support, wisdom, honesty and just for sharing your life with me! R.I.P.
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