I lost my Mary last night. She has fought harder than anyone I have ever known and if anyone deserves peace and freedom from pain, it would be her. She was a second mother to me and her love has seen me through some of my darkest hours. I lost my own mum nearly 8 years ago and her family took me in and have treated me like another daughter.
Words cannot express what I am feeling right now. My head is spinning with an array of memories, thoughts and I have a sickness in my stomach that is like a great knot of nerves. Such a huge part of my pain is for her family. Her daughter is like a young version of her in so many ways and has one of the hugest hearts I have ever encountered. I hate that she is going through the loss of a mother, it's not fair! I wish I could wrap them all in a pain free blanket and protect them from the pain and hurt that this journey of grief entails. I know this is where we are all in shock. A stage of denial that helps you to survive and get through the hours. People are helpful, time is a daze and you don't fully comprehend the impact of your loss because you can't open your mind to it yet! The next stage is the hardest in a way. Where people get on with their lives, time has gone by and you are left with a world of loneliness, confusion and anger. This is where you need the most support. If anyone is reading this I want you to take this away with you for your memory bank...the initial phase is important, support is needed and if often given in abundance, but it's in the weeks, maybe months that follow which require the most support!
I am no stranger to grief, this is not the 'counsellor' in me talking, it's experience. I feel like I've been down this road far too often and I am tired. I am exhausted on so many levels and I am angry on so many others. Life is so fragile. One thing all this has taught me is to really learn about who I am. To appreciate the gifts that are your loved ones and to trust in my own strength to get through this. I am so grateful for the support I have been given a long the way and know that the people closest to me in my true hours of need are the people who saved me, who gave me back my life. Mary was one of those people and I will never ever forget what she did for me. She held my hand through the good, bad and ugly, she taught me so many lessons, shared her family with me and gave me a sense of belonging, she never gave up on me. If I could be half the person she was, my life will be one to be proud of.
The song I have chosen for Mary is 'Thank You' by Bon Jovi and the lyrics are perfect.
May you finally be at peace Mars, your beautiful soul lives on in all of us! XXX
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