So after the first year of Masters done and dusted, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the year, what I have learn't and what has stood out to me:)
I don't know if Carl Rogers is known to you but in the counselling realm he is HUGE! He pioneered person-centred counselling which is the basis for many humanistic counsellors such as myself! I want to share a few of his philosophies because they are truly gems! The first and most important thing Rogers believed is that all humans strive towards the light. He uses the famous 'potato analogy' where no matter how dark and buried it is, it will always grow towards the light. He believed humans were the same and that we are all inherently good.
He later defined what are now called 3 core conditions. These I found, are just as useful in everyday life and can change you as a person the more you implement them into your life and relationships. The first is empathy. This is the ability to 'walk in someone else's shoes' so to speak and is different from sympathy. That is because we often sympathise with people and are constantly relating what people are going through to our own lives. This in turn creates a form of judgement and assumption which is not necessarily bad but it can cloud the ability to fully understand what a person is saying and going through. Empathy is a beautiful thing. The reason for it is that you learn about a person from their experience, not yours and by doing so allow them to feel understood and heard! An extremely powerful tool!
The second is congruence. This is a fancy word for 'realness' or being 'genuine'. So important! When you interact with people and are yourself, in whatever frame of mind that may be, it will make a person feel more trusting towards you. You in turn will feel more at ease because you are comfortable being who you are and that has a ripple effect of comfort if you get my drift. For instance, in a counselling setting it would be ok to admit that you are not clear about something, or confess that what someone is saying is giving you a tight feeling in your chest etc. Its about being able to be honest and disclose information as well as being true to yourself, your expressions, questions and conversation. This is exactly the same in everyday life. When we are honest and real, people respond well most of the time.
The last and what I feel is the most important in counselling and the trickiest in life is 'unconditional positive regard'. This is where you allow people to feel and experience whatever they are going through without judgement. You validate their feelings by showing understanding, you do not give advice and criticism and you do this by being curious, really listening and using the other 2 conditions mentioned above.
All of the conditions can feel extremely difficult if someone is saying and doing something that goes against your own value system, that rubs you up the wrong way or is simply 'the wrong thing to do in your opinion'. But the important thing to remember, and that I have gained from Rogers, is that we all experience things in our own way. What may be right to you may not be right to someone else. It is not your job to fix someone or take on the responsibility for someone's life (huge lesson). People need to find and own their own autonomy, which is key in person-centred practice and something dearest Dr Phil could use a refresher course in:) There is power in empowerment and change comes through our own awareness and understanding. You can be a tool in order to help someone make sense of their life or issue, but when you try to make sense of it for them, it may give you a sense of satisfaction but will not illicit that powerful sense of autonomy, change, empowerment and comfort that happens when you get their for yourself!
Powerful stuff hey!
